I don't feel so good, and haven't for what seems like a very long time. I have been more sick in the last 4 years than at any other period of time in my life. I'm exhausted all the time, and lately I haven't been able to sleep worth a damn. it's running me down, and to be honest I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Worse still are the gross physiological problems I'm having which include extreme thirst, dehydration, shrinking appetite, urinary issues, and poor lower body circulation. I won't go into any more gross details, but these problems are real and happening all at once. My father believes they are stress related and I am inclined to agree with him.

I need a change, a large change. Work, money, housing, it all needs to change or I think I will fall apart physically. I know I'm already in pieces mentally ;)

Anyways, in closing:

(F) Bahka the Tauran Hunter:        78
(M) Morridi the undead deathknight: 61
(F) Amaraikwa the Blood Elf Rogue:  61
(F) Lindri the Blood Elf Paladin:   24
(F) Kaego the Tauran Druid:         18
(F) Baruu the Orcish Warrior:        8
(F) Ryzaki the Troll Priestess:      2

... and all I could think about was you. Christ! Sometimes I really hate myself. As if I didn't have enough on my plate with the whole house thing, I have to have her on my mind to?

Nothing new on the house, and I don't expect there to be any news till early next week sometime. hoo-fucking-ray stress >:o

Anyways, still playing WoW which is something I said I would never do, and yet here I am, plugging away on it. Though I am souring on the leveling (the Barrens AGAIN@!$%^#$@) I do plan to return to my low level characters at some point, but for now, Im thinking Im just going to make a beeline to 80 for my Hunter.

Bahka, Tauren Hunteress of the Horde, is currently 68, and in good shape (not great) equipment wise, and is fun to solo/group with. Amaraikwa, Rogue of Silvermoon, is still 60 and alot harder to solo, but alot of fun in a good group, though she desparetly needs gear to compete in Outland.

Morridi, The level 60 Undead Death Knight, is getting next to no time at all. I just don't like him or how the knights play. I continue to level his mining and blacksmithing as a cash cow, but Im pretty sure Im not going to quest with him again.

Guess we'll see where I end up with it, haven't tired of it yet, but that could be be any day now, or never....

Been really loopy the last couple of days. Extreme highs at work for no apparent reason, and miserable lows while at home for even less apparent reasons.

Been doing a lot of introspection today, and I think I hit on something profound: Maybe I'm so miserable all the time because I am not being true to my nature? Seems plausible.

I wear a mask constantly, I never act like I want to; do the things I plan out in my mind. I'm always too damned busy conforming. I play the game; I go to work, because it's expected. I pay my bills, and I try to be the good little citizen because thats how we are taught. Never once did I ask myself is this want I want? I do it because I feel it's expected of me.

I play everything safe. I plan, I analyze, and I work hard to remove myself from anything that could cause me to feel something. I think the result of 32 years of that is that I never let anything happen to me. My life has been, with the exception of the few, and I mean few, times I broke out of my shell, devoid of any life experiences. I have lived so long, hiding away from feelings that I no longer feel anything, I think. I have trained myself to be this way because it's safe.

Does any of this make sense? Am I just playing the part? Would acting on my impulses and desires, my thoughts and plans bring a measure of peace and serenity to me? I know that I am tired of usbeing the good little boy who does as he's told, of being afraid that I might be doing something others would see and disapprove of. I'm tired of all the games and complexity we weave into our lives. I want things to be simple again, and yet at the same time I want to feel things again. To have friends and a life, and enjoy all the wonderful complexity these things bring.

I'm really not in the right frame of mind here.... I should know better than to post when I'm this down.

So I went with antimon to King Elliott's Summer Celebration along with another fur from Somewhere waaaayyyyy up north. Its a loooonnngg drive out to the middle of nowhere, but when your entertaining 200 some furs with a PA system belting out dance stuff for hours, a complete light show, not to mention quite a few bottles of spirits, well then distance to your neighbors is actually a good thing.

I can't say that I had fun, but neither did I have a bad time. Despite the kiln like temperatures , and the general over crowdedness of the smallish home, there were plenty of things to do, like gaming, both on consoles like the Wii, PS3, and a PS2 which had no TV, (sucks seeing as how we brought GH2 and wireless guitars to rock out with) there were movies, anime, card games, and dancing all going on.

The main thing was I knew next no one there, except for eb, antimon, and seven. So I spent the majority of my time moving from place to place watching people and keeping to myself. Seems its what I always do in a party situation. Go me, party animal I R!!!1

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother. There are so many things wrong with me, things I haven't fixed because I'm too lazy, or because I don't know where to start. Ambition means nothing when the willpower to stay the course is lacking.

We all have wants and desires, wishes and dreams that we desperately hope to have come true, but how many off us deserve what we dream? How many of us are truly willing to pay the price to have what we want?

My depression says I deserve nothing; neither happiness nor my dreams. And yet my heart asks why this has to be? Am I evil for what I am and what I want to be? Am I a spawn of Satan as my parents think? Because I love other gods than there own? Am I truly an abomination before God for my sexual preferences as they have told my brother before disowning him? Surely a merciful, loving God, if he exists, loves all his children without petty bias.

Its a wonder that I have any sanity at all, and no wonder that I hide away from the world. If I am to shun the world, then no one can harm me, but is hiding from everything truly the only thing keeping me from finding my dreams? Is the pain worth the reward?

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