... and all I could think about was you. Christ! Sometimes I really hate myself. As if I didn't have enough on my plate with the whole house thing, I have to have her on my mind to?

Nothing new on the house, and I don't expect there to be any news till early next week sometime. hoo-fucking-ray stress >:o

Anyways, still playing WoW which is something I said I would never do, and yet here I am, plugging away on it. Though I am souring on the leveling (the Barrens AGAIN@!$%^#$@) I do plan to return to my low level characters at some point, but for now, Im thinking Im just going to make a beeline to 80 for my Hunter.

Bahka, Tauren Hunteress of the Horde, is currently 68, and in good shape (not great) equipment wise, and is fun to solo/group with. Amaraikwa, Rogue of Silvermoon, is still 60 and alot harder to solo, but alot of fun in a good group, though she desparetly needs gear to compete in Outland.

Morridi, The level 60 Undead Death Knight, is getting next to no time at all. I just don't like him or how the knights play. I continue to level his mining and blacksmithing as a cash cow, but Im pretty sure Im not going to quest with him again.

Guess we'll see where I end up with it, haven't tired of it yet, but that could be be any day now, or never....

I let Antimon talk me into trying WoW; should have known better, but oh well.

Got a lvl 59 cow hunter going strong.... or would have if the fucking game hadn't bullocks my talent points up. Attempted to submit a ticket, no response. The forums have a lot of people bitching about the same thing with multiple tickets open and unanswered for 48 or more hours. FUCK!

Also during this time, my raid in my gaming system shit itself. Looks like a common error for this board/chipset, but when I switched the SATA cables around, it was still out, except that it was now reporting the other drive. This is bad as it most probably means that 1 of the 2 drives died. No way to recover the data, as it was a RAID1 (striped) so i only have half the data.

Gotta RMA the drive and in the mean time I am forced to reformat the working drive and reinstall XP. We all know just how much fun that is *rolleyes*

Still all in all, this week has been shitty from the get-go. Work BS, home BS, 401k bs, house buying BS, and now game BS. It all adds up to a shit ton of stress, but thanks to eaglebeagle I got in just enough laughs and oh astonished oh shits! from the videos hes posted. Awesome stuff man :)

Over an hour into the complete format on this 1TB drive and still have 37% left >:o

Just noticed that I have been away for a long time. Haven't updated here since September 08, or worked on my website www.whitetailedkat.com since September of 2007!

As I said on my news page there, I get discouraged about it waaaayyy too easily and end up just ignoring it. I want a decent looking page with a few flashy bits like an animated header graphic and a dynamic menu. Nothing difficult for someone with the flash/DHTML skills, but beyond my paltry abilities.

I have tried several different programs to build me the kind of menus I'm looking for, but most of these are just too inflexible or bloat the site code like you wouldn't believe! Maybe someone out there has knowledge of a magical app that allows for some flexibility but is also n00b friendly?

In the mean time, Sabaton!

I know that not a lot of people read my journal. I don't have that many close friends, so I know this won't be widely read, at least from this journal. But I felt that I needed to put this up here. Please, take a moment to read the article linked below, and try to see beyond the sarcasm and satire to see the undeniable truth.

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-brooks18-2008sep18,0,7282720.column

Rosa Brooks
September 18, 2008

Dear United States, Welcome to the Third World!

It's not every day that a superpower makes a bid to transform itself into a Third World nation, and we here at the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund want to be among the first to welcome you to the community of states in desperate need of international economic assistance. As you spiral into a catastrophic financial meltdown, we are delighted to respond to your Treasury Department's request that we undertake a joint stability assessment of your financial sector. In these turbulent times, we can provide services ranging from subsidized loans to expert advisors willing to perform an emergency overhaul of your entire government.

As you know, some outside intervention in your economy is overdue. Last week -- even before Wall Street's latest collapse -- 13 former finance ministers convened at the University of Virginia and agreed that you must fix your "broken financial system." Australia's Peter Costello noted that lately you've been "exporting instability" in world markets, and Yashwant Sinha, former finance minister of India, concluded, "The time has come. The U.S. should accept some monitoring by the IMF."

We hope you won't feel embarrassed as we assess the stability of your economy and suggest needed changes. Remember, many other countries have been in your shoes. We've bailed out the economies of Argentina, Brazil, Indonesia and South Korea. But whether our work is in Sudan, Bangladesh or now the United States, our experts are committed to intervening in national economies with care and sensitivity.

We thus want to acknowledge the progress you have made in your evolution from economic superpower to economic basket case. Normally, such a process might take 100 years or more. With your oscillation between free-market extremism and nationalization of private companies, however, you have successfully achieved, in a few short years, many of the key hallmarks of Third World economies.

Your policies of irresponsible government deregulation in critical sectors allowed you to rapidly develop an energy crisis, a housing crisis, a credit crisis and a financial market crisis, all at once, and accompanied (and partly caused) by impressive levels of corruption and speculation. Meanwhile, those of your political leaders charged with oversight were either napping or in bed with corporate lobbyists.

Take John McCain, your Republican presidential nominee, whose senior staff includes half a dozen prominent former lobbyists. As he recently put it, "I was chairman of the [Senate] Commerce Committee that oversights every part of the economy." No question about it: Your leaders' failure to notice the damage done by irresponsible deregulation was indeed an oversight of epic proportions.

Now you are facing the consequences. Income inequality has increased, as the rich have gotten windfalls while the middle class has seen incomes stagnate. Fewer and fewer of your citizens have access to affordable housing, healthcare or security in retirement. Even life expectancy has dropped. And when your economic woes went from chronic to acute, you responded -- like so many Third World states have -- with an extensive program of nationalizing private companies and assets. Your mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are now state owned and controlled, and this week your reinsurance giant AIG was effectively nationalized, with the Federal Reserve Board seizing an 80% equity stake in the flailing company.

Some might deride this as socialism. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

Admittedly, your transition to Third World status is far from over, and it won't be painless. At first, for instance, you may find it hard to get used to the shantytowns that will replace the exurban sprawl of McMansions that helped fuel the real estate speculation bubble. But in time, such shantytowns will simply become part of the landscape. Similarly, as unemployment rates continue to rise, you will initially struggle to find a use for the expanding pool of angry, jobless young men. But you will gradually realize that you can recruit them to fight in a ceaseless round of armed conflicts, a solution that has been utilized by many other Third World states before you. Indeed, with your wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, you are off to an excellent start.

Perhaps this letter comes as a surprise to you, and you feel you're not fully ready to join the Third World. Don't let this feeling concern you. Though you may never have realized it, you've been preparing for this moment for years.

rbrooks@latimescolumnists.com

Been really loopy the last couple of days. Extreme highs at work for no apparent reason, and miserable lows while at home for even less apparent reasons.

Been doing a lot of introspection today, and I think I hit on something profound: Maybe I'm so miserable all the time because I am not being true to my nature? Seems plausible.

I wear a mask constantly, I never act like I want to; do the things I plan out in my mind. I'm always too damned busy conforming. I play the game; I go to work, because it's expected. I pay my bills, and I try to be the good little citizen because thats how we are taught. Never once did I ask myself is this want I want? I do it because I feel it's expected of me.

I play everything safe. I plan, I analyze, and I work hard to remove myself from anything that could cause me to feel something. I think the result of 32 years of that is that I never let anything happen to me. My life has been, with the exception of the few, and I mean few, times I broke out of my shell, devoid of any life experiences. I have lived so long, hiding away from feelings that I no longer feel anything, I think. I have trained myself to be this way because it's safe.

Does any of this make sense? Am I just playing the part? Would acting on my impulses and desires, my thoughts and plans bring a measure of peace and serenity to me? I know that I am tired of usbeing the good little boy who does as he's told, of being afraid that I might be doing something others would see and disapprove of. I'm tired of all the games and complexity we weave into our lives. I want things to be simple again, and yet at the same time I want to feel things again. To have friends and a life, and enjoy all the wonderful complexity these things bring.

I'm really not in the right frame of mind here.... I should know better than to post when I'm this down.

"It is with great sadness that I tell you that the Dragon is gone. RJ left us today at 2:45 PM. He fought a valiant fight against this most horrid disease. In the end, he left peacefully and in no pain."

I'm so emotional at the moment, that I can barely see through my tears to type. I literally worshiped at the altar of this mans creative genius, and eagerly awaited the each and every fragment of his vivid dream of a far off place and time. Robert Jordan, you will be missed by your family, friends, and millions of fans. I think I speak for many when I say:

"The light shine on you, Lord Robert of House Jordan. May you shelter in the palm of the Creator's hand and the last embrace of the Mother welcome you home."

So I went with antimon to King Elliott's Summer Celebration along with another fur from Somewhere waaaayyyyy up north. Its a loooonnngg drive out to the middle of nowhere, but when your entertaining 200 some furs with a PA system belting out dance stuff for hours, a complete light show, not to mention quite a few bottles of spirits, well then distance to your neighbors is actually a good thing.

I can't say that I had fun, but neither did I have a bad time. Despite the kiln like temperatures , and the general over crowdedness of the smallish home, there were plenty of things to do, like gaming, both on consoles like the Wii, PS3, and a PS2 which had no TV, (sucks seeing as how we brought GH2 and wireless guitars to rock out with) there were movies, anime, card games, and dancing all going on.

The main thing was I knew next no one there, except for eb, antimon, and seven. So I spent the majority of my time moving from place to place watching people and keeping to myself. Seems its what I always do in a party situation. Go me, party animal I R!!!1

So by the title of the post, I think its safe to say that I'm disappointed in things.

You see, due to a lot of turmoil at work, I moved back to an overnight position. Its the best move for me for now, easier work load, friendlier team members, and a schedule more conducive to my nocturnal habits. Its all around good until you factor in the loss of Sunday Pay, which is time and a half. Thats $110 out of my check per pay, right off the top.

As is I am struggling to make my car and insurance payments. Sure my current Insurance company is high cost, but I haven't moved away them because I cannot afford the 200+ down payment to get a cheaper rate.

I have canceled all of my luxuries like xbox live, gamefly, and pr0n, but it still isn't saving me enough money. I'm thinking I might have to stop dropping money into my 401k which would really suck down the the road. I just need a break, and I think I might be able to get it if I plan the finances out to the T.

I wanted to keep the car payment, insurance, and gas to about $500 a month, but I currently pay 371.xx for the car, 174.xx for the insurance, and 35.00 for a tank of gas. Luckily, the gas holds me about a month thanks to the superb Yaris fuel efficiency. Thats about $80 more than I wanted to go, and with the loss of revenue from the shift swap, I think it might be enough to torpedo me *sighs*

So I have a friend at work that sculpts things (in clay, or other more unconventional mediums) while on the phone with customers; he says its an outlet for his frustrations in dealing with those pig headed, idiotic customers.

It got me to thinking, and suddenly I realized that I haven't worked in clay in 16 years! I had really forgotten that I even used to do artistic things like that. I haven't picked up a paint brush in an even longer time.

Is it weird to 'rediscover' parts of your life? Things that until you grab onto them firmly in your mind, seem to be no more real than a television show you used to watch? Is it weird that I forgot an entire part of my life that gave me joy? Anyone else have moments like this?

Mayhap, I will take up the other forms of art I have been neglecting, and work them again. Purrhaps it will help channel some of the manic-ness I exhibit. Maybe I can be expressive and happy again if I do the things I had long since forgotten?

Its worth a shot! I'm looking forward to painting again, and already have a good idea for a sculpture I want to do. but I fear as with so much else in my life, I'll get half way into and get depressed, and toss it all away wonder whats the use in it. Like i did with my paper RPGs, and like my furry stories, and miniature gaming...

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother. There are so many things wrong with me, things I haven't fixed because I'm too lazy, or because I don't know where to start. Ambition means nothing when the willpower to stay the course is lacking.

We all have wants and desires, wishes and dreams that we desperately hope to have come true, but how many off us deserve what we dream? How many of us are truly willing to pay the price to have what we want?

My depression says I deserve nothing; neither happiness nor my dreams. And yet my heart asks why this has to be? Am I evil for what I am and what I want to be? Am I a spawn of Satan as my parents think? Because I love other gods than there own? Am I truly an abomination before God for my sexual preferences as they have told my brother before disowning him? Surely a merciful, loving God, if he exists, loves all his children without petty bias.

Its a wonder that I have any sanity at all, and no wonder that I hide away from the world. If I am to shun the world, then no one can harm me, but is hiding from everything truly the only thing keeping me from finding my dreams? Is the pain worth the reward?

</emo>